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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30007410">The Space Between</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herwhereabouts/pseuds/Herwhereabouts'>Herwhereabouts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Slash, Sexuality Crisis, Unresolved Sexual Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:41:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,838</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30007410</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herwhereabouts/pseuds/Herwhereabouts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddies thinks that’s fucking right, and feels the self-satisfied warmth of pride really settle into his bones like a good glass of top shelf whiskey, when his dad says with very little hesitation when it’s just them chatting and closing out the call, “Eddie, son, that is a great woman. She seems perfect. I’m proud of you.” </p><p>Perfect, yes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Diaz/Ana Flores (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>399</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Space Between</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Not real, for fun, thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Here’s the thing. </p><p>Ana is perfect, and Eddie is ready to settle down again, despite his initial reservations. </p><p>He’s tired of being a single dad. Eddie’s tired of telling people he’s got his shit locked down when he needs and wants more. </p><p>COVID snuck up on him and really highlighted the fact that even with his friends, with his team, and with his family, he felt lonely. </p><p>The fact that he hasn’t been able to get the full support system around him and Chris made things all the more difficult and tough. The pandemic is and was a shitshow of complete chaos, unprecedented in its scope. </p><p>Eddie thought then, and would think often, that if he had a wife, or a serious partner, then they would be together, living together, and it would suck a lot less for him and Chris. There’d be more love to go around, more levity, more activities, more laughter... more ease. </p><p>Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about it. It kind of took on a life of its own, and maybe, yeah, jumping from that headspace into a serious relationship wasn’t a good idea, but the times have changed and the rules have changed. Everything is different, the old playbook got thrown out when the first lockdown happened. </p><p>So what if he rushes Ana into meeting Chris and then the rest of the team. She’s so intelligent, and kind, and so goddamn lovely that even his parents are left a little speechless when Eddie asks her to jump in on his zoom call with his folks so he can make introductions, gently bringing her into view by the hand. </p><p>Eddies thinks that’s fucking right, and feels the self-satisfied warmth of pride really settle into his bones like a good glass of top shelf whiskey, when his dad says with very little hesitation when it’s just them chatting and closing out the call, “Eddie, son, that is a great woman. She seems perfect. I’m proud of you.” </p><p>Perfect, yes. </p><p>**</p><p>Buck says, right off the bat in a panicked rush, "Don't freak out, Eddie, everything's okay. Chris is here, and I've got him."</p><p>The clock shows 2am, and Ana is blinking sleepily at him from his side and then jumps when Eddie registers what he just heard and all but tumbles out of bed in his haste, phone pressed to his ear haphazardly.</p><p>"What? I don't understand, Buck, why's my kid at your house? It's fucking two in the morning. Is he okay?" He's struggling to put pants on one-handed and figure out why Chris would sneak out in the middle of the night and run to Buck - again - for comfort. Making it look like Eddie is some shitty parent that can't take care of his kid. </p><p>Buck is quiet when he says, "Eddie, he's sad, man, and he doesn't understand what's happening too well. Don't get mad at him-"</p><p>It's honestly a little much so Eddie just barks out, "I'm coming, I'll be there in ten," and hangs up.</p><p>He tells Ana not to worry and runs out of the room and to his car, heart in his throat and mad at Chris in a way he hasn't been, ever. </p><p>They've got a good thing going on, with Ana. He doesn't want to lose that.</p><p>Chris shrinks in on himself as soon as Eddie all but pushes Buck to the side when he opens the door. None of that registers.</p><p>His hands are on his hips, body tightly wired like a coil, heart racing and temper simmering to the surface. In contrast, Buck gets to his knees and leans against where Chris is sitting, shoulders touching.</p><p>"What the <em> hell </em> do you think you're doing, Christopher? Running away again? Don't you get how <em> dangerous </em> that is?" </p><p>Christopher's face crumples, then, in a way that is like a sudden gut punch, that leaves Eddie breathless. "I'm sorry, dad," he says through tears, as he hides his face in Buck's shoulder.</p><p>Eddie lets out a noisy breath through his mouth and purses his lips, looking down at his feet. God, he's such a failure, even when he's got a good thing going, even with a kid that loves him still like he's the best dad ever when that is nowhere near the truth. </p><p>He doesn't look up but can hear Buck whispering soothing things to Chris, can see him drop a kiss to his head from the corner of his eye - like he's the perfect fucking parent - and Eddie breaks and drops down to his knees too like he's been shot and that's all that Chris needs to fall into his embrace with his wet face pressed to his neck, saying he's sorry. Saying he wants to see grandma, and Pepa, and Carla, and his friends. Saying it's not fair that Eddie gets to make a friend, gets to bring home Ana, when everyone else has disappeared from their lives. </p><p>Buck gets up slowly and tries to move away, but Chris whines out a low, painful, "<em> No </em>, no, don't," and scrambles for Buck's hand.</p><p>"Buck can't leave, he needs to stay, dad," Chris pleads, through a fresh wave of tears, and Eddie takes in a deep breath and continues holding him, letting him cry himself out, catching Buck's big, glassy eyes for a moment and not being able to look at him for a second longer. Guilt keeps crashing over him, fresh, new, neverending. A perpetual state of heightened or muted devastation that he can never fully shake off. </p><p>Once Chris has quieted down, Eddie scoops him into his arms, mumbles out a low, "Thanks," to Buck, feeling so fucking exhausted, before he leaves, ignoring Albert's silhouette in the dark.</p><p>He calls in sick the following day and spends it with Chris.</p><p>Ignoring calls from Ana.</p><p>**</p><p>Eddie keeps his head down and keeps to himself on his next shift back at work.</p><p>Buck corners him in the locker room, before they're about to head out, concern etched in every line of his face and body. Eddie bites at the inside of his cheek and leans back against the closed locker, arms crossed. </p><p>"Let's not beat around the bush, Buck. Tell me I'm a shitty parent and let's get back out there," Eddie says, tiredly, with remorse making his voice come out softer than he'd like. </p><p>Buck's eyes grow wide - always so expressive - and his hands automatically go up, one of them landing on Eddie's shoulder, the other on an elbow. "Eddie, Eddie, no. No, I'm not gonna say that because it's the furthest thing from the truth, man." He squeezes Eddie's shoulder and Eddie sags back, closes his eyes against the tears that he suddenly finds himself trying to will away.</p><p>"God, Buck, I don't know what to do. I thought he was okay with her," he admits, voice wavering slightly and gets pulled into a tight hug, Buck's fingers digging into his shoulders from his firm grip. </p><p>Buck lets him hang on, be weak, be tired, be untethered, and doesn't let go for a solid few seconds. Eddie doesn't know if that's what bros do, but they haven’t been just anything to each other for some time. The roles in their relationship have always been murky, but the love has always been more real - more all-encompassing - than Eddie cares to examine, even on his good days. </p><p>Without thinking about it, he huffs out, as he pulls back and surreptitiously runs a hand down his face, "I wish you were a woman, man. My kid loves you, and it would be so easy to…"</p><p>Something falls over Buck's face, then, a little guarded, and Eddie flushes and clears his throat. "Sorry, fuck, just ignore that, I'm a mess." He tries for a smile that is too fake and jagged to be real, but Hen and Chim come in, all noise and boisterous laughter and Eddie makes his escape. </p><p>He doesn't know what he did wrong, exactly, just that he did. </p><p>Buck doesn't bring it up and Eddie tries to forget about it.</p><p>But it's way fucking harder than he anticipates it to be. It's like, once he thought about it, it fucking pink-elephanted its way into his head and that's all that he can see and think about for the rest of the day.</p><p>He’s such a bad friend, where Buck is concerned. </p><p>Eddie should have been more careful before he inserted Buck into their lives as a co-parent, but there is no undoing it now, without really breaking Christopher's heart, and his as well. </p><p>He'll ignore his confusion around it, since it's pointless and dumb and a waste of time.</p><p>He calls Ana and apologizes and she comes over for dinner that night.</p><p>**</p><p>After the nightmare ordeal with the well, Buck had been less bubbly for a few weeks, a little more reserved. </p><p>Eddie understood that, he’d been there before, he knew what fresh trauma looked like, when faced with it again. He’d tried to give more space to Buck, and let him work through whatever it was he needed to work through, to face, before he could rebound back and not look at Eddie like he was about to disappear for good. </p><p>He mentioned something about it, kind of offhand, off the cuff, to Hen, when they were the only two in the kitchen, and Hen had given him a significant <em> look, </em>and told him to watch the clip from the news channel from that day. She even texted him a link. </p><p>Eddie watched that in his bunk, watched Buck lose his shit, watched him yell and scream and panic, digging through the fucking dirt for him with his hands, and all he could think was, <em> oh. </em> All he could think was, <em> well, shit.  </em></p><p>Eddie was observant, and he wasn’t blind, but the possibility of more, of them meaning more to each other than they already were, was so terrifying, so alien to him, that he locked it away as soon as he could. </p><p>The potential to fuck things up by going down that road was too colossal, too unimaginable, to consider. </p><p>They were good, as-is. </p><p>He didn’t need anything more. </p><p>** </p><p>Taylor Kelly keeps popping up more and more at work and outside of work, hanging around Buck. </p><p>Eddie is okay with it, even though he doesn’t trust Taylor not to break Buck’s heart, despite Buck’s protestations that they’re just friends. That they’ve become good friends, even. </p><p>Eddie takes a careful sip of his coffee, before he casually tells Buck, “Hey, I’m sure you think that’s true, but you guys have too much of a history to be just anything.” </p><p>Buck frowns, his hand going to his chest, right over his heart dramatically, before he says, “I am an adult, Eddie. I know what I’m doing, but thanks for watching out for me, old man.” His lips are quirked up into a playful smile, and Eddie rolls his eyes and lightly punches him on the arm before he makes his way down the stairs. </p><p>“Just FYI, I will offer you my shoulder to cry on when this blows up in your face, since I’m a good friend,” is his parting shot. </p><p>Buck’s indignant squawk carries and he yells out, “Buck 3.0. does not need your negative energy!"</p><p>Eddie ignores him. </p><p>**</p><p>“Damn, says here that the number of couples seeking couples therapy has more than tripled since last year, since a lot of people rushed into relationships because of COVID isolation,” Hen says matter-of-factly, head down as she keeps reading on her phone. </p><p>Eddie doesn’t comment and tries not to feel like he’s being called out. His eyes catch Buck’s as Buck’s fiddling with his gear and they both look away quickly enough, like they’ve been caught. </p><p>Ana fits. There’d have to be something wrong with Eddie, in order for Ana not to fit into his family. </p><p>The thought loops over and over in his head, until it blocks everything else out. </p><p>**</p><p>On a call the following day, they’re helping patch up a civilian that got in the way of a mugging. The guy is lithe and a runner, looking a bit like George Clooney, maybe late thirties. He’s sporting a bruised eye and a shallow knife wound on his upper arm. </p><p>Chim is patching up the mugger, who’s moaning and groaning on the floor. </p><p>“That was some big damn hero shit, gotta say. Good job, man,” Eddie tells Gavin, as Hen is wrapping up his arm and Buck lingers nearby. </p><p>Gavin tilts his face up and quirks a small smile at him, looking a little pleased. “Thanks, man, but I don’t think my babysitter and my little girl are going to think so, since I’ve been gone over an hour longer than I meant to.” He whistles out a breath. “They must be worried. Forgot to take my phone.” </p><p>As if on cue, Buck automatically jumps in with, “You’ve got a little girl?” Eyes bright, engaging, and Gavin’s gaze falls to him and stays there, his smile now a little softer. </p><p>“Yeah, she’s six, she’s my whole world. I’m all she’s got since my ex ran away to find himself in India a year ago.” </p><p>Eddie bites down on his bottom lip and crouches down next to Chim as he’s packing their stuff since the cops dragged the mugger away. </p><p>Buck leans forward and says, voice warm, “Sorry to hear that, but I bet she’s lucky to have you.” A beat later, he adds, just as Eddie knew he would, “I love kids, they’re honestly the best. Like, the absolute best.” Like clockwork, same script. </p><p>If possible, Gavin’s face breaks into an even more handsome smile, and Eddie hates him, purely and completely, on instinct. Hen clears her throat, says, “All done,” but is completely ignored, as Gavin says, “You seem like a smart guy, then. Lucky to have met you,” to Buck.</p><p>After a failed attempt at trying to stand up but then hissing in pain, Buck immediately steps forward to balance Gavin with an arm around his waist. </p><p>Eddie zips up the bag with more hostility than needed as he stands up and avoids Chim’s judgey raised brow. </p><p>Gavin says he’s okay to go home, that he just needs to use Buck’s phone to call an uber and will venmo him the money once he’s back home. Buck’s a little flustered, a little flushed, as he gets an Uber for Gavin, as they chat there for a few minutes before the driver shows up, laughing, like they’re old friends. </p><p>Eddie walks away back to the truck, feeling a sour taste in his mouth, feeling like he’s got acid climbing up his throat. It’s kind of fucked up, that he knows what the cause is, that he can’t ignore it. Won't really let himself acknowledge it.</p><p>“He give you his number?” Chim asks Buck curiously on the drive back to the station. </p><p>Buck shrugs his shoulders, cheeks pinking up a bit, as he tries to nonchalantly say, “Yeah, it’s not a big deal.” A beat later, “He seems like a nice guy.”</p><p>“Aww, you’re blushing, Evan, that’s cute,” Chim jokes but in a way that is fond, and Hen tells him to shut up and pulls Buck into a side hug. </p><p>Eddie grits his teeth together and keeps his eyes glued to the scenery as they drive. “You gonna call him?” He asks as neutral as possible, like a complete idiot, like a goddamn fool. He won’t even look at Buck, doesn’t want to see his face. </p><p>Quietly, Buck responds, “I might. Don’t know yet,” and there isn’t any time to stew on that since they get another call right then, of a 6 car pile-up on the freeway. </p><p>“You okay?” Hen asks with some caution, late at night, when they’re ready to head home, and Eddie pastes a fake smile on his face and says he’s fine. </p><p>Hen doesn’t buy it, and Eddie didn’t think she would. </p><p>**</p><p>Eddie isn't homophobic, and he doesn't hate anyone based on their sexual orientation or gender.</p><p>It's just that he needs to be straight. It’s stupidly simple and uncomplicated and non-life-altering. </p><p>It's bad enough that his parents are still on his case about him not being a good enough parent. It's bad enough for Chris at school sometimes, without him adding to it. </p><p>It's bad enough that it didn't work out with Shannon, when he'd failed her as a husband then, without ever even having contemplated and questioned his preferences. </p><p>All of those reasons should make it easy for him to play happy house with Ana…</p><p>But, fuck, they don’t seem like enough. </p><p>He doesn’t know when the fissure first tore through this new, improved life that he had been building, but it did, and every move now runs through it like an earthquake - widening the gaps, throwing the pieces out of balance, distorting the whole image. </p><p>Eddie doesn’t know how long he can hang onto it all before it falls around him like a paper house.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*end</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is my first foray into the fandom and all that I wanted to really do was go meta and really dive into Eddie's headspace. Still not satisfied with it, but felt good to stop. Also, no harm intended regarding the exploration of his sexuality. I tried to be careful with the tags so that everything could be covered potentially.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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